A Season's Change
by Pardon the Insanity
Summary: Time changes all things, and their relationship was not exempt. While Rin might accept this, things were different with her lord. For if he was forced to notice the changes time had wrought, what changes might he be forced to notice within himself?
1. Summer

I really didn't have the time I took to write this, but oh well. Writing is like the siren of my life; I can't help myself! It's a sickness.

Anywho, the first chappie of four for my second little attempt at S/R, which I hope is enjoyable. I really tried to make it something different from His Blossom, so if there are any repeat offenders of my work, you guys will be the ones to judge me on that front!

One final thing before I cease my rambling: I must give a huge huge thank you to Ashley, my loverly beta-reader, who provided me all sorts of wonderful support and assistance.

And now, please enjoy.

* * *

The sun was quickly making its climb up the sky, dissipating the few clouds that had skitted across the bright blue dome earlier. While the sun's warmth was lazy now, Rin knew that it was merely a prelude to the heat to come that afternoon. Then she would be forced to the shade inside, where she would likely have to socialize with the other noblewomen.

It was not that she disliked them; on the contrary, the curiosity of a number of them concerning the little girl who had somehow melted the frost of their lord's heart had made her familiar to many over the years. There were quite a few she felt close to, enough that she could discuss her thoughts – or at least those she figured they would understand on the level she felt them – and she supposed she could call them friends. The fact of the matter, however, was that she was just not made for nobility.

Of course, she could act the part. She had learned all the arts of a proper lady, thanks to the provisions of her lord, and could be as demure and refined as any of the other women of the court when the skill was required of her. During these times, however, all she could think of was escaping the confines – those of the rooms, the company, and the decorum. She would much rather be in the open, with the sun and the wind on her face, and the busy silence of open spaces around her.

As she lay in the cool grass of one of the many gardens surrounding the palace, Rin figured that she was rather the same as Lord Sesshoumaru in that respect. Perhaps her wanderlust had been inspired by his, her free spirit thriving off their constant travels and ceaseless journeying. He seemed as reluctant as her to be pinned into the strict format of palace life. Politics was an intricate dance, and Lord Sesshoumaru had never been one to needlessly waste time. Subterfuge of the kind required for such delicate matters seemed underhanded to him; when he desired something, the only path necessary was the quickest one to achieve his designs.

She always admired that about him, that for the lord of such a powerful people, he nonetheless remained entirely untouched by their politics. While he allowed such things to occur – perhaps he knew that they would happen regardless, or recognized that they were necessary – they were separate from him. As with everything else, he remained distant.

And he was always distant, as cold and remote as a star. Like a star, however, he had also brought light to her life when things had seemed their darkest, a beautiful and constant presence that stood out from the field of hundreds, thousands, of others.

Raising her hand towards the sky, watching the sun filter between her fingers, Rin counted the years he had been part of her life. By now she knew that it was the majority, a year or two over ten years if she had to guess. It had seemed to fly past her, although she could not decide if this was because she had been so utterly content in his presence, or because her mortal years seemed so brief in comparison to the granite of his.

Aging with a being who was nearly ageless had been disconcerting at best, frightening at worst. When she had been little, he had seemed old, a figure of experience to foil her naivety. As the years passed, however, she realized that while he was truly old, would have seen countless generations of humans live and die, he was still a youth of his people. Regardless of the years retained in his golden eyes, in his human form he looked little older than her.

It might have been that realization that had altered how she looked at him. While she still had nothing but respect and complete adoration for him, her blind love had morphed, darkened from the bright love of her youth into something richer, harder to define. She realized that his appearance, which had always fascinated her, was attractive in some indefinable way. More and more frequently, she found herself wishing to allow her fingers to trail through the pale silk of his hair, to stand by him and say things she could not find words to describe to herself.

Rin had never tried to hide it, having been shameless in her feelings when she had been young. Now, however, she refrained from so openly declaring such sentiments, afraid of his rebuke. There could be nothing inferred from a child's love besides what it was, but there were strings to the love of a woman, and she had no desire to tangle him in such a web when it would merely hinder him needlessly.

He could not love her as she now loved him, and she did not expect him to. He had braved Hell, even when his mother had claimed that those who entered never returned to the land of the living, to rescue her lifeless body, to save her corpse. She knew he loved her, although he would never say the words, and that was enough. To have that love at all was something precious.

And yet… it did not dull the ache, or fill the void in her soul. While thankful for the blessing of his esteem, she would always dream of what she could not have.

She allowed her hand to fall back to the ground with a sigh, releasing such vain imaginings to the breeze. It did not do to dwell on impossibilities, to allow her happiness to be tainted with bitter longing. It had been her sunny demeanor, the joy she found in everything, that he had admitted within the last few years as the reason he allowed her to follow him. She could not allow herself to change.

Propping herself up on an elbow, Rin prepared to stand just as she heard voices near her, probably in one of the close rooms in the palace. One was clearly Lord Sesshoumaru, whose voice she could distinguish with ease, while the other was familiar but implacable; he was probably one of the lords, but she did not often speak with them and could only recognize their faces.

As she strained her ears, blocking the sounds of the summer around her, she gradually caught snatches of the conversation. Most of it was from the unrecognizable noble, who had the busy, hard voice that often accompanied the dignitaries. It was so unlike her lord's voice, the deep, mellow timber an unconcerned hum on the edge of hearing.

"I would not insult you by assuming that you are unaware of the rumors," came the noble's voice.

"There are always rumors in a palace," Sesshoumaru responded. "If you wish me to know to which you are referring, you will have to clarify."

There was a short pause, uncomfortable. "You have rejected all propositions of political marriage, my lord, which many find odd for one your age."

"I do not see how that is a mere rumor."

"It's just… while you reject all these proposals, you keep that human girl with you. At her current age, and…" Here, a throat was cleared, "…considering your father's tastes, many have made the assumption that you have followed in his footsteps."

In the pounding silence that followed, Rin hardly noticed that she was holding her breath. Either the nobleman was extremely confident in his standings or extremely foolish to bring up such a thing, whether it was merely repeating the rumor or not.

"Yes, I have heard that particular rumor," Lord Sesshoumaru finally replied, voice dangerously quiet. "Seeing as how it only concerns the girl and me, however, I do not know what possible motivation you could have in bringing it up."

"Many of your enemies, and your allies, have heard this rumor as well," said the noble, some of the strength returning to his voice, apparently now closer to the parts of the matter he had more experience with. "Few want to be aligned with somebody who would take a weak human as a mistress."

"Rin is not, and never will be, my mistress," Sesshoumaru said coldly, his voice laced with a venom she had rarely heard.

It was hard to realize that his quiet wrath was directed at the nobleman; everything in Rin's heart made it feel that it had been a rejection, a voiced disdain for her people. Of course, she had never wanted to be his mistress, but something about the statement cut deeper than she would have anticipated.

Rising, she decided that she had no desire to hear the rest of the conversation. It was not her place to hear anyway; she should have known that doing something so rude would have consequences.

----

He had scoured the forests and mountains around his home for hours without finding a satisfying opponent. For the first time he could ever recall, he would have welcomed the presence of his useless half-brother; while Inuyasha lacked any form of style, he could at least carry on a somewhat entertaining fight.

Finally, Sesshoumaru accepted that there would be no distractions from his thoughts, no escape from the realities he was unwilling to acknowledge. He had known for years, of course, that there were those in the complex who thought there had been another reason he had kept Rin with him for so long.

And for years, he had ignored them, trying vainly to fool himself into believing that Rin was not old enough to make such a rumor even vaguely valid. As long as he could allow himself to believe that there was no basis for their assumptions, there was no use in worrying about them. His was the only opinion that mattered.

Today, however, it had been forced into his face, and he had seen no other option but to accept that Rin could no longer be thought of as a child in any stretch of the word, even from the view of his much older eyes. Perhaps if she were judged by her heart she was still a child, aware of the coldness and violence in the world around her but untouched by it. But that was not the basis for the assumptions; it was the fact that she had grown to be a woman that had caused the rumors, and this change to her appearance was clear.

It disgusted him that such things would be said, made him angry in a way so different from the usual cold-blooded ire. No, this burned, made fire pound through his veins at the idea. For a moment, he thought that it was from the fact that they could even think that he, proud of his pureblooded heritage, would ever take a human to his bed. Quickly, he realized that this was only a minor consideration. Its hum was hardly audible in the thunder of his wrath that they would stain Rin's name in such a way.

The reaction surprised him, was an unexpected result of what he had heard. He knew that he cared for her, that she was dearer to him than any other; after what had taken place in Hell, it would have been vain to deny as much. From that time, he had allowed her to become closer to him than he had previously permitted any person, aware that it was too late to save face on the matter and realizing that he did not want to even try.

Perhaps things would be different if he had held her at the distance from which he considered all others, maintained that barrier around himself…

Sesshoumaru considered the vast spread of the sky above him before shaking his head to himself. It never would have worked. Allowing her so close had never been his conscious intent; it had merely happened, her easy spirit sliding into his existence. It was hard to imagine a time when it had not been so.

There had been such sadness in her eyes when she had first stumbled upon him all those years ago, far more grief than a child of eight tender summers should have weighing upon such small shoulders. When her voice had finally returned in the week after he had restored her life, words broken and breathy from the years of silence, he had seen the frail sparkle in her eyes flare to life, and he had inexplicably found that he desired her to remain so cheerful.

And nothing had been required for her to be so except his presence, a word to her occasionally. She brightened around him like a flower turning towards the sun, although he had never been able to understand what he did for her to garner such a reaction. All the same, he had come to secretly relish the brightness of her smiles, the brief touches of her fingers when she dared to reach for his hand.

Sesshoumaru had never thought that things would have become so complicated, that he'd feel so many emotions tugged from the shadows of his soul. It had been so compulsive, his decision to save her all those years ago. He had thought that she would return to her village, and, when that did not occur, he figured that she would eventually ask for a stable home, a place out of the cold with people who would care for her. Yet she had never complained and never asked to leave, and he had been unable to find a reason to send her away.

Back then, when he realized that she wished to stay with him and that he felt a strange desire to allow this, he should have known that time would change things. He had witnessed wars and battles, seen kingdoms rise and fall, but it never altered the cycle. Everything repeated, unchanging but for the fine details. It was only now, when he had drawn something ephemeral so close, that he realized the gravity these details could hold, how drastic one alteration could change things.

Flicking poison idly at the grass as he returned to the complex, his thoughts were suddenly interrupted. Rin was near; her scent was drifting faintly on the breeze, strangely altered in a way that made his brow furrow before he even registered the odd twinge to her usually bright smell – tears.

Sesshoumaru changed his course, following the disquieting scent until he found her lying in one of the farthest parts of the garden, the long blades of grass almost completely obscuring her from view until he was next to her. While her eyes were shut now, her breathing appearing steady, the moonglow highlighting the tracks of recently spent tears across her cheeks.

It was unacceptable, uncomfortable. Her tears were rare, an occurrence he had always subtly tried to prevent. Moving closer, he inspected the pucker of her lips, the sad creases across her face.

"Why have you been crying?" he asked, quiet voice nonetheless shattering the silence.

Her eyes flew open as she gasped, sitting up quickly. He continued to watch her passively, waiting for her response as she self-consciously pushed her loose hair from her face. "I… have just been in a strange mood today, Lord Sesshoumaru," she said slowly, and while it was clearly true from her puzzled expression, it was obvious that such was not the whole story.

Sitting in the grass by her, he held her eyes, questioning her silently. When her gaze wavered, defeated, she released a small sigh. "I was in the lawn earlier, when you were speaking with one of the noblemen. I heard him… and you."

The dark veil of her hair completely obscured her face from his view, but he had been around her long enough to guess what expression was crossing her features. Turning his gaze from her, instead focusing on the shining heavens above, he tried to order his thoughts into an appropriate comment. "I did not mean for my words to hurt you."

"Your words did not hurt me," she whispered hesitantly, falling back into the cool embrace of the grass. "No… they even made me happy once I thought about them, because you did not seem to care what was said. It made me believe that I am more important to you than your reputation among your people."

He chose to neither confirm nor deny her beliefs, wishing to prevent the conversation from focusing on him. "Then what caused you to cry?" he asked, looking at her over his shoulder.

There was a long pause before she returned his glance, her eyes dark and sad. "There are so many complications between us. I realized that I only cause you difficulties."

"If you did, I would not allow you to stay," he replied instantly.

"I cause conflict with your allies, make your subjects question you, constantly require your attention. How could I _not_ be merely an impediment? What purpose can I possibly serve that even comes close to balancing the debt I owe you?"

Watching as her eyes grew watery with tears she refused to shed in his presence, Sesshoumaru tried to find an answer to her question but could come up with nothing logical. There truly was no discernable reason why he so adamantly kept her with him other than he wanted to. Such was an empty explanation, hollow of words to express the intangible thoughts that accompanied it.

"I do not know," he said eventually, his own confusion evident at the edges of his voice. There had always been a motivation behind his actions, things only done as a means to an end. So to what end did his continued desire to keep a powerless human woman with him serve?

"If you do not know, then would it not be better for me to leave, to allow you to continue to expand your empire?" she wondered.

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to quell the frantic questions his mind was posing to himself. "No, Rin, you were right." He noticed every reaction this statement had: the snapping of her eyes to his face, the tensing of her muscles, the snag in her breathing. Without looking at her, he dropped his hand to the grass, allowing it to hesitantly slip over hers. "You are more important to me than my reputation among my people."

There was a pause before her hand slowly turned, allowing her tiny fingers to wrap around his. "My lord…" Rin began, voice a ghost of a whisper.

"This palace, these people, they have never meant anything to me," Sesshoumaru said over her, somehow anxious about what she meant to say. "This was everything my father worked for, not me. I have no interest in gaining power only from documents and lineage; I want to use my own strength. If the people choose to dissent, to break alliances over rumors, it is no concern of mine."

A long silence stretched between them, buzzing with so many things left unsaid that it seemed to make even the air heavy. He felt her hand shift within his as she sat up and slowly brought her other hand to cover his.

Although Sesshoumaru now had to acknowledge her as an adult, he still took note of how small she was, a petite form next to him. He wondered how she had even been able to live as long as she had, feeling the skin as delicate as flower petals stretched over the fragile web of veins and sinew beneath. Everything about her was so frail, made for such transience, yet she had lived through more horrors than many of his kin.

Her fingers ran gently over his knuckles, a warm half-touch like the caress of the sun's rays. They danced over his wrist before brushing the light silk of his sleeve back to reveal the two stripes that curled around his arm, lingering upon the markings for a moment. The actions were oddly captivating, holding his attention so that he did not notice that her head had bent to allow her to bring her lips to the back of his hand.

The strange texture of her lips against his skin brought his eyes to her lowered head, his shock that she would be so forward somehow dulled against the vividness of his sudden and unexplainable curiosity. In the dim light, he could still see the blush diffusing across her cheeks when she raised her head.

She gave him a frightened smile, as though she could not quite believe what she had just done, before dropping her gaze back to their locked hands. "I know that my human sentiments probably mean very little, and that whatever aid I could provide would scarcely do any good," she began, clearing her throat awkwardly, "but I would do anything for you."

"I told you before that I do not hold you in my debt," he managed to say, finding words even while his thoughts still hummed.

"With the debt or without, I would still wish to serve you in whatever way you saw fit."

He felt distracted by the gentle touch of her fingers, contact he had only intended on lasting a moment. "What reason do you have for such feelings?"

"Because…" she whispered, pausing with the words at the tip of her tongue. For a moment she pursed her lips before raising her head, looking at him with a warm intensity he had not seen before. "It… it's nothing, my lord."

As she smiled faintly, he considered pressing her, but something held him back, a vague warning. Reluctantly he listened to his instincts, remaining silent.

She looked up at the sky, at the thousands of points of light stretched across the dark expanse. "It reminds me of when I was young," she said suddenly. Looking at her, he wondered what she thought she was now; although grown by the standards of the humans, her two decades were still almost inconsequential. "I remember so many nights like this, when I would sleep under the stars."

"Do you not prefer having a home now?" he asked, trying to ignore the fact that he still held her hand and had no desire to release it.

"My father used to go away after the harvest to sell his rice, and when he returned I always asked him if it was exciting in the city," she began, her attention turned back to him. "While he admitted that there were many sights in the city, he always wanted to come home. He said that anywhere away from those he cared for could never have a significant draw to him. I suppose I am the same; I enjoy being here, so long as you are as well."

Sesshoumaru felt her fingers tighten slightly around his and a flicker of protectiveness washed over him. "As long as we are both here, people will continue to say things." He watched her face as he said this, looking for understanding in her dark eyes.

"If it does not matter to you, I could care less what they have to say of me," she said, smiling brightly up at him. "I have always been an object of scrutiny; it makes very little difference that they have found another topic to entertain themselves with."

He nodded, secretly proud that she had maintained her independence from the acceptance of others, that she did not need approval to be happy. Watching her, he noticed the heavy look in her eyes, and he realized how carefully she was trying to hold off her tiredness. "If those are your feelings, you should return to your rooms to sleep," he said softly.

As her act was apparently disrupted, Rin yawned, raising her hand from where it rested upon his to cover her mouth. He was able to ignore his faint disappointment at the loss when she spoke. "You do not suppose I could sleep out here tonight, do you, my lord?" she queried.

"Why would you wish that?"

"After thinking about the past, it has made me want a night like that again, just once," she explained, fingers of her free hand weaving in the grass. "You do not need to stay, though; it should be safe enough within the walls."

Initially, he thought to deny her, press that she go back. It was true, however, that they had spoken of the past, and he remembered how much easier everything had been at that time, the simplicity that had come with being away from his home. There was no harm in allowing her this small thing. "Sleep, then," he said, gently removing his hand from hers as he took his place to watch over her.

"You really do not need to stay," she said softly after a moment, when she seemed to realize that he would not be leaving. "If you'd prefer, I could even just go to the gardens closer to my rooms."

"It is fine. I will protect you here."

For a second, the words buzzed on the air, and he could not bring himself to look at her. As she shifted in the grass, making herself comfortable, he heard her speak, the words drawing his attention. "I know. You have always protected me."

He felt a strange stir as the truth of this statement sunk in, but her eyes were already closed. Instead, he was left with his half-formed thoughts as he looked into the sky, wondering what it meant that he would do more for this girl than for any other.


	2. Autumn

Chapter two, hurray! Half way done after this. Isn't that smashing?

I would like to say thank you to my reviewers, because I really appreciate it. Also, I would like to add to that – Pleeeease review? I know, I know, it's probably annoying to hear that, but perhaps some or you don't know how nice it is to get those. … And how sad it is to see 103 hits and only get three reviews. I want to know reactions – what was liked, what could be improved, etc. Anything is better than nothing!

Anywho, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

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She would return soon, he reminded himself. She had only wanted to purchase some food for that afternoon, but it was likely that with her friendly disposition she was conversing with some of the villagers. When she had said that she would be back in an hour, he had to assume that she meant two.

The problem was that it had been three.

The sun had pushed the tree's shade up his legs during the time she had been gone, one of the many pointless observations he had made to himself. As this was meant to be a brief halt before the last stint of the journey back to his home, Sesshoumaru had sent Jaken and Ah-Un ahead. He had desired some measure of peace before he was once again ensnared in the tangle of politics he was sure were wrapped around his domain.

It had been pleasant to have that time to himself, to let his thoughts spread across his consciousness for consideration. The calm had been disturbed, however, as he thought about how it was probably time that Rin stayed exclusively at the palace. There were too many dangers for her in the wilds, regardless of how he had believed he could keep her safe.

Perhaps more pressing, however, was the fact that he found himself becoming progressively angrier on every occasion the demons they crossed assumed what Rin's status was. He had found it increasingly difficult to maintain his composure at the things that were being said in front of her, and this reaction bothered him.

That thought had been chased away though, both because it was uncomfortable and because he had realized how long Rin had been gone. She was late, later than even she was wont to be. And he was worried.

Finally rising after a minute, his impatience to find her overpowering his pride, Sesshoumaru walked toward the village. One thing placated his unease somewhat – he could still catch her distinctive scent on the still air.

There was a commotion in the field outside the village, but it was not the sounds of fear, but the happy screeches and surprised shouts of children playing.

And her laughter.

A twinge of irritation invaded his thoughts at this, although he tried to shake the feeling. It always baffled him when he felt that way. He had come to see that she was all right and she was, so what did he have to be annoyed about?

Standing at the brink of the forest so that he could observe, he hesitantly acknowledged that his irritation was from the fact that she had made him worry. Made him once again slip into feeling some pathetic emotion. He had grudgingly accepted that he cared for her. But just because the feeling existed did not mean that he wanted it to express itself through all of its various manifestations.

Yet it was, and it was her fault that it happened.

Sesshoumaru watched her from the shade as he considered his options to either wait for her to leave on her own or to betray his presence. As he watched, however, he felt his thought wander.

The children were playing some sort of game, chasing each other around the space in some pattern he could not decipher. Rin seemed to be directing the activities, reminding them of what to do or gently steering them. She was laughing as hard as the rest, the ever-present shine in her eyes snapping with her merriment.

The game seemed to suddenly come to a close, momentary celebrations abandoned when Rin announced that she would be leaving. Still smiling, Rin gently denied their requests to play again. "I've already stayed much longer than I should have," she said, looking at the sky anxiously.

Sesshoumaru's attention was caught again when one of the smallest of the children, so young that he looked as though walking was a newly acquired skill, began to cry.

Rin turned to the boy, smile tinted with sadness, and lifted him onto a hip. With a free hand, she wiped away his tears on the sleeve of her kimono, cooing gently to him until he calmed. Ruffling his hair, she set him back down, and with a wave left the children, promising that she would try to return someday.

Sesshoumaru frowned slightly before righting his expression, confused by the odd clenching this scene had caused in his chest. As with the majority of his feelings, he decided to ignore it at present, instead focusing on retrieving Rin.

Their paths met just inside the forest. She started when he said her name, spinning to face him with an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry that I'm so late," she said immediately. "I had not realized how much time had passed."

"We will have to stop again for the night."

Without turning toward her, he could see her head drop and noticed that her pace slowed slightly, just enough that she now followed behind him. He wondered if she thought he was angry with her and consequently wondered why he was not.

All the same, perhaps it was best that she did not stand so close until he straightened the slight tangle in his thoughts, calmed the ripples that had spread through his mind at her earlier actions.

It was the first time he could remember really thinking about children since Inuyasha had been born. At that time, the thought had only been regarded in respect to his outrage that his father had allowed their blood to be mingled with an inferior creature. He had been too preoccupied with the realization that he would now have a sibling who was tainted with weak human blood to think of anything else.

Now he thought about it differently, trying to keep whatever feelings he had about the matter from skewing his considerations. By all rights, Rin should be married. He had known this for a year or two now but had always ignored the realization as it had strangely discomforted him.

And this was because if she married, she would leave. She had been the only person whose company he could ever remember enjoying and whose indiscretions he could overlook. Simply having her with him had become familiar, something that had sunk into his life so completely that the thought of removing her from it was almost painful.

Yet seeing her play with the children had made him realize that he could not keep her forever. Her life was short, so painfully brief, and there was so much she had yet to experience. In her gentle instructions, the easy lift of the child to her hip, he had seen a glimpse into what she should be allowed to have in the future. He had seen a home and a family, with children for her to love and care for.

He had seen things he could not provide.

The bright hues of the autumn leaves bled together as the sun continued to sink lower, turning everything to flame beneath the dark clouds. They had made the majority of the distance to the palace, but, as Sesshoumaru had expected, would not be able to reach it by nightfall. Casually, he thought of how inconvenient this was; for the last hour, he had been able to smell the approaching storm.

As they silently continued, he tried to think of a place where Rin could stay for the night. The cold and rain would not affect him, but he knew how fragile Rin's health could be after exposure to these conditions. He was sure that there was a human village nearby as he could pick up their scent. Perhaps she would be allowed to stay with a family there until morning.

Even as he finalized his decision, the first tentative drops of rain began to fall. He picked up his pace and heard Rin do the same, her bare feet padding on the grass after him. The rain caught the smell of wood fires, and he altered his course, cutting through a thicker portion of the forest in order to reach the village sooner.

This change, however, did not make sense to Rin. While she had been remarkably silent until now, she was no longer able to hold her tongue. "Where are we going, Lord Sesshoumaru?" she queried, her voice slightly breathless as she tried to keep up with him.

By now the tempo of the rain had increased, continuing to grow wilder as the wind pushed it. Without stopping, he replied. "Finding shelter."

She did not question this, instead concentrating on scrambling through the undergrowth.

As they continued, he found himself entertaining another thought, one that he found completely logical and yet entirely unwanted: he could leave Rin in the village. It was far away enough from the palace that she would not be able to follow him, yet close enough that he could return to check on her if he so desired. If they found a place for her to stay, he could leave that night. She would be able to live with the humans, have an existence that should have been hers to begin with. He would no longer have to tolerate the rumors concerning what she was to him and the consequent unease this caused within himself. The natural order of things, the separation between their worlds, could return.

Finally, the terrain became tamer, and within minutes a small group of rough huts appeared. There was a great deal of activity occurring as the villagers hurried to get inside. It would be easy for Rin to approach one of the people and ask for a place to stay for the night.

After assessing what he saw and approving of it, he turned to Rin. She stood with her arms crossed close to her body, lips in a tight line to suppress the shivers he could nonetheless see. With a quick motion, she brushed her long bangs from where they were plastered against her face and looked around him.

Seeing the village, she frowned slightly. "You do not mean to stay here, do you, my lord?" she asked, cocking her head habitually.

"No," he replied. "I mean for you to stay here. I will find another place."

The confused frown quickly turned to one of displeased surprise. "Why can I not stay with you?" she asked, the softness of her voice a clear attempt to dull the direct questioning.

"You will be more comfortable here."

"Physically, perhaps…" she murmured to herself, casting a leery glance at the village again.

By now the rain was falling violently, tearing the frail leaves from the trees and soaking them both. For a moment, he considered her words and tried to decipher their meaning, but could not. "What do you mean?" he asked quietly.

"I would feel awkward around them," she said, looking at the ground. With an embarrassed smirk, she glanced at him. "I'm afraid I've lost whatever ease I used to have in human society, or at least with the adults."

"How could you feel awkward around humans?" he asked, nearly amused by the absurdity of the statement. "You are a human."

"I was not raised as one," she said simply.

It was the first time he had ever thought of this. Rin had always just been Rin; the fact that she was a human had become arbitrary and obscure as time passed. All the same, when forced to categorize her, it had always been an obvious decision.

Yet, observing her now, he realized that while she looked like one, she was not. The flame of her spirit had not been cooled by the fears common to the humans or dimmed by the tediousness of a peasant life. In her eyes, every day continued to be beautiful and new. Death had taught her that simply living was enough, that for her existence fortune or renown was not required.

It made sense, then, that she would feel awkward around other humans. She could not understand their apprehensions or empathize with their worries. There had been nobody to teach her such things.

He felt his plan deteriorate to nothing, scattered from his thoughts as though it had never existed. No, he could not leave her with the humans now. He had allowed her to stay with him for all those years and therefore had to take responsibility for having bound her to his world. She could not be punished for his mistakes.

"You are sure that you do not wish to stay here?" he asked again, looking at her closely.

Without a pause, she nodded, smiling. "I want to be with you."

As soon as the words left her mouth he turned, wishing that the impact they had would cease if he could not see the sincerity on her face. When it did not help, he focused on finding somewhere else for them to stay.

She must have sensed the sudden change in his mood because she returned to a silence that rang with embarrassment. While her unease put an uncomfortable edge to the air, making him wish to reassure her that she had done nothing wrong, he had a strange feeling that doing so would only exacerbate the problem.

There were craggy hills everywhere, and it did not take long for him to find a small cave where they could stay. By that time, the rain had soaked everything, eliminating the possibility of finding wood dry enough to start a fire. While he knew that the evening, now completely deprived of the sun, was quickly becoming cold, he could not assess how it felt to have this affect one's self.

He allowed Rin into the cave first, making her sit as far back as she could in hopes that some of the dim heat retained in the earth might be enough to prevent her from getting ill. While she did not complain, her rigid stance betrayed how the weather was affecting her.

For a moment he hesitated speaking his thoughts, caught between the precariousness of such a situation and the desire to make her comfortable. It only lasted for a moment, and then he spoke. "Rin," he said, catching her attention.

"Yes?"

He looked at her briefly before turning to the entrance of the cave. "If you remove the outer layers of your kimono," he began passively, "you will dry off faster and not be as cold."

There was a long pause, and then he heard her faint movements followed by the heavy sound of the soaked layers being dropped upon the stone floor. And then there was silence except for the rain and the wind.

He did not know why he felt so awkward about the situation. It was not as though she was completely without clothing; she still had her nagajuban, after all. Really, he reasoned as he turned around to sit by her, it was hardly any different than a yakata, and she wore those all the time in the summer.

When he turned completely, however, he found her standing behind him, casting him a glance from the corner of her eyes. "I need to wring out my hair," she said quietly, stepping past him when he wordlessly made room.

She stood at the entrance to the cave and pulled the dark locks over her shoulder. The breeze had managed to tear some of the clouds apart, allowing a few stars and the full moon to shine through. As she twisted the hair in her hands, the moonlight caught on the falling water and made it glow softly. It contrasted vividly with the darkness of her figure, every curve of her silhouette clear against the sky where the wet fabric clung to her body.

Sesshoumaru looked away, instantly uncomfortable with the momentary disruption her image had caused his thoughts. Distractedly, he shook his head to clear his wet bangs from his face, and was surprised when he heard a giggle.

Turning his head fractionally, he found Rin trying to hide a smile unsuccessfully behind her hand. Clearing her throat at his unamused expression, she shrugged. "I just forget about your nature sometimes, my lord," she offered in way of explanation, although he could not see how that clarified anything. She did not elaborate, instead approaching him. "Would you like me to wring out your hair as well?"

He thought of replying that the cold did not bother him, and that the water would dry, but somehow he could tell that having this interaction would help decrease a measure of the unease he sensed about her. Wordlessly, he stepped towards the mouth of the cave and tipped his head.

It always surprised him how tender her hands were on the rare occasions when he allowed her to touch him. They gently pulled the hair together and twisted it slowly, carefully working the water out of it. When she finished, she separated the strands the best she could between her fingers, and brushed his bangs back into place. She smirked a little as she did this before hurrying back to her seat in the cave.

Puzzled enough by her actions that the memory of his odd feelings were erased, Sesshoumaru sat on the floor next to her and frowned mildly. "I do not understand what you find so entertaining," he stated when she refused to look at him.

"It's nothing, really," she assured him, although to little success.

Apparently his expression relayed this, and she gave a small sigh. "Sometimes I forget about your true form," she finally explained. "When you shook your head like that, it made me remember."

He considered her for a long moment, one brow rising slightly. "And you find that amusing?"

"I guess I must."

Leaning his head back against the wall of the cave, he shut his eyes. "You are odd," he concluded.

She laughed at this, and a twitch of a smile fought to cross his lips. "Of course I am! If I were normal, you never would have let me follow you. You like me this way."

He gave a short nod. "Yes."

There was a pause, and even without her words, he knew that a turn was coming in the conversation. "You do like me, don't you, my lord?"

Cracking his eyes open slightly, he turned his head towards her, inviting her to elaborate on her thoughts.

"Humans and demons… we don't feel things the same way. You've told me this," she said quietly, drawing her legs to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. "So sometimes, when I wonder what you feel, I cannot help but think about what you feel for me."

The rain pattered gently outside as he looked straight again, staring at the dark gray ahead of him while considering her question. It was just the two of them, nobody to hear his response but the person the words concerned, and it made him more willing to answer. Slowly, he tried to piece together a way to express himself.

"You are… precious to me," he eventually tried, unable – or perhaps unwilling – to find a label for the emotion that accompanied this. He thought about the night under the stars, his confession of how highly he thought of her. Still, he found that he could not reveal anything further at present than he had that night. "When you are with me, I feel more than with anybody else."

Glancing at her, he found her head bowed slightly, still damp hair draped around her face. For a moment the light from outside gleamed on it, turning it as silver as his, and for the first time he wondered how things would be different if that one barrier, that difference between their races, did not exist.

Slowly, Rin raised her head, turning to him, and he again felt the odd clench in his chest when her dark eyes pinned his. Their proximity now seemed like a serious misjudgment that he nonetheless had no desire to amend.

Indeed, he found himself leaning closer when she tipped her head up towards his. He noticed distantly that her face, which had been so pale a moment ago, was flushed as his hand found its way around her waist.

Their breath mingled between them in the small space she would not close, lips so near that it would require only the slightest movement for them to meet. She remained still, the final distance left to him. His thoughts had become hazy, vague and indistinct under the cover of his feelings, ones he had only felt for her.

But they were there all the same, whispers of cold reason to cool the sudden fire of his heart. Icy reminders of who he was and what she was pushed through his feelings, stilling him from moving. That first doubt was all it took for the world to come back into focus, the moonlight to harden.

Rin must have known even before he straightened, her muscles slacking under the hand still pressed against her back as she looked away. A breath released in a mix of too many emotions to name passed her lips, and she shifted to move away from him without meeting his eyes.

For a moment he broke through the ice, enough that he held her still before drawing her cold form to his side. She stiffened, casting him a look that was full of both hurt and hope. "Sleep, Rin," he said softly as she searched his eyes.

Gradually, she relaxed against him, slipping to sleep some minutes later. Holding her while the wild and shapeless thoughts from the moments before took form, he accepted that the strange grip around his heart would likely never relent. For a second, a flicker of time, he had wondered why he couldn't be the one to provide her the things he had envisioned. This fanciful notion had dissipated in almost the same instant it had been thought; he knew that the rigidity of his beliefs and the power of his pride would prevent him from the hypocrisy of taking a human as his mate, regardless of what he might feel.

And he knew what he felt. Her eyes had been like a mirror, the emotions revealed in them a perfect reflection of what he felt within himself. For so long he had thought himself incapable of such feelings, but she was once again the exception, the thing that changed what he thought he knew about himself. It was impossible to tell when it had happened, the instant when the tenderness he felt towards her had grown into love, because he had fought against acknowledging it for so long.

But he accepted it now, ceased to fight against the feeling that had long ago won. He loved the girl. It now seemed so obvious why he had denied every proposal; she was the one he wanted by his side.

He closed his eyes as he realized all this and simultaneously acknowledged that it would all come to nothing. These feelings and thoughts could be no more than that.

So as her dark head lay against his chest, he indulged in something he had never allowed before. He pretended, just for that moment, that he could hold onto her past the morning, that he had more time than just this brief dream that would vanish with the dawn.


	3. Winter

Sorry that it's taken so long for the next chapter to get posted – what can I say, life got in the way. Dirty thing is pretty good at that. Anyway, here's the update. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Hypnotized by the dance of the flames, Rin felt her thoughts gradually melt away to nothingness. It was a welcome relief to the loop that had constantly droned through her head, filling her mind until there was no room for any other considerations.

Lord Sesshoumaru was angry with her, more so than she could ever remember. That morning, he had brought her to the village a few hours journey from the complex in order to purchase the fabric for her new winter kimono. As always, he had waited with Ah-Un in the forest as she went to the shop, the same one she had visited every season for years.

Something about the shop owner's demeanor had always seemed vaguely familiar to her, enough that she could feel a measure of ease while she was in the strange human village. While she knew that there was another shop in the town that dealt exclusively with fabrics of the quality Lord Sesshoumaru required her to purchase, Rin was willing to sacrifice some in the way of selection in order to feel comfortable.

The owner's son, who had been learning his father's trade for a few years now, had hesitantly approached her as she had turned to leave, asking quietly if he could not escort her back to her home. For a moment, she had been too shocked to respond, unsure of how to deal with such a strange request. Finally, fearing to be rude to people who had been so kind to her in the past, she had told him that he could walk with her to the edge of the village.

It had seemed innocent enough, and his polite conversation with her had been fascinating. Having lived with the demons for so long, Rin rarely was able to speak to humans, especially those her own age. It was strange to realize how different she had become from the majority of her race.

When he had turned to leave, he paused for a brief moment, a blush creeping up his cheeks as he asked her if she would return sometime before the next season. Confused and distantly uncomfortable from the half-understood meanings of this question, she had shrugged and honestly replied that she did not know when she would be back. She had given him a short bow before hurrying down the path to the seclusion of the forest to look for her lord.

She found him a moment later, standing in a clearing with his back to her. Although she was happy to see him as always, the instant he had turned towards her she felt her thoughts shatter at the sharpness in his glance, at the unsaid warnings in the cold amber of his eyes. It prevented her from speaking or approaching him further; it kept her from doing anything but sitting silently on Ah-Un during the return to the palace.

The sharp tension between them had continued for what little remained of the day. For the first time she could remember, she felt as though she didn't exist, Lord Sesshoumaru refusing to acknowledge her presence and the rest of the palace following suit. There was nothing tangible to betray this state, but just a feeling in the air, a coldness that had nothing to do with the weather. The only respite had come when he had accepted the pleas for assistance from one of the minor demon lords who lived on an estate a short distance away; some of the servants, mostly those who attended to her on a regular basis, then felt bold enough to speak to her as they usually did.

By then Rin had wished to have nothing more to do with the politics of the palace and retired to her rooms. In the silence, her thoughts had no other focus than conceiving some way to return to her lord's good graces. She did not know when she had lost it, but it was very clear that it had happened sometime between that morning and afternoon. The change was just so drastic that she could not think of what could have caused it…

Sighing, she turned from the fire, giving up the short ruse of ignoring her unsettled thoughts. What had she done? She had never seen him that angry before; indeed, she could never remember him being more than exasperated with her. Her face burned from staring into the flames so long as well as from unshed tears. Passing a hand across her eyes to wipe away the tears, she decided to leave her rooms for a while. Perhaps the air of the early night would help clear her mind.

Carefully, she let herself out into the garden. The air was crisp but still, making the cold prickle her skin but not bite. The grounds were now bare of all leaves and flowers, instead covered by a thin veil of snow that sparkled like a reflection of the heavens. Above, the stars were bright and cold in the winter sky, shining vividly between the net of the bare branches.

As Rin watched the stars, however, she remembered the many nights spent under their light when she had been younger. There were no duties then, no intangible responsibilities in the mind of a child. Nothing of the intricacies required to make her existence acceptable in the world of the demons, in the world of her lord, would have been comprehensible in her youth. Only now did she realize how strange her relationship was, how subtle the nuances were that blended the differences between their people to allow them to coexist with such seeming effortlessness.

Until now.

Something in their existence had shifted, disturbed from its usual rhythm. Everything felt wrong now, since that icy look had been directed at her. She was more than willing to accept responsibility for whatever ill she had committed, but she could not think of what she had done to cause his anger.

Looking at the grounds, she remembered where she had slept that summer, Lord Sesshoumaru watching over her regardless of her insistence that he did not need to do such a thing. Perhaps it had been that night where everything had started to strain between them, that day when they had both faced the implications of their relationship. Although it had felt like something had been shared between them through his admission, there had been a tenseness between them afterwards.

Of course, Rin had tried to go on as though she did not feel the change, and she had been so successful that for months she had convinced herself that nothing was different. Even after the incident in the cave, she had managed to explain it away as a dream or effect of the cold; Lord Sesshoumaru, after all, had made no mention of it the next morning. It had not been until today, when the unease and reserve had seemed to condense and freeze in that one glare, that she had to acknowledge that things were no longer as they had been.

A shiver spread across her skin, and she moved to return to her room. Just as she did, however, she caught a flash of white against the sky, disappearing somewhere towards the south side of the complex. Puzzled, she hurried across the lawn, ignoring the smart of the snow upon her feet.

She reached the far side of the palace in time to see Lord Sesshoumaru passing through the complex, a group of servants and guards left speechless behind him. For a moment, she considered approaching him, something about the way he held himself as he drifted through the shadows of the buildings unsettling her. Then she noticed how jagged the markings upon his cheeks had become, the scarlet hue of his eyes, and she hesitated.

His ghostly figure receded further into the complex until he disappeared from sight. Shaking her head, Rin ran across the open ground to the people gathered upon the road. "What happened?" she asked the first person she reached.

Still looking vaguely stunned, the guard shook his head. "I do not know. We had not expected the lord to return tonight," he said, almost half to himself. "He was injured; I could smell the blood, but he would allow no one to approach him."

He had barely finished speaking before Rin was running again, following Lord Sesshoumaru's footprints. She heard the guard yell after her, warning her to stay away from him while he was like this, but while she acknowledged the legitimacy of his warning, she continued nonetheless.

Once she approached his room, she finally slowed, her reasoning catching up with her. If he had denied aid, he clearly wanted to be alone. The last person he probably wanted to see was her; it would be foolhardy to approach him while he was still angry with her.

Rin shook the thought away. She had never been frightened of her lord, not even when she had first found him in the woods. Startled, perhaps, but never frightened. He had never harmed her in all the years she had been with him. Why should she falter in her faith in him now, when he might need her?

Slowly, she approached the screen to his room, finding that he had not closed it completely behind him. Rather than immediately announce her presence, she decided to look in, figuring that perhaps she could learn enough about his state to see if it was worth bothering him.

None of the lamps in the room had been lit, making the only light to see by what filtered through the screens. She watched as he removed his sword and dropped it onto his futon, wondered how badly he must be injured that he had not yet caught her scent. In the faint light, she saw him remove his sash, allowing his armor to fall to the floor with a thud.

His head still bent, he slowly raised his hand to his chest. Confused by his calmness regardless of his strange actions – she had never seen him treat his weapon and armor so trivially – Rin leaned closer, trying to get a better angle to see him. At that moment, however, he pulled his hand away, and she saw the blood.

She couldn't help it; she gasped. Instantly his head snapped up, looking as feral as when she had first found him, but she had already opened the screen and entered the room. "My lord…" she breathed as she reached out for him, feeling a flare of panic at the blood that soaked the front of his white kimono.

He pulled away, eyes still stained red. "Leave," he growled, part warning and part threat.

For a moment she paused, her hand motionless in the air. She watched him, observing his posture, and felt her worry dissipate. Even with his expression as wild as it was now, he was still Sesshoumaru. She shook her head, daring to defy him. "Let me help you," she whispered, taking a few tentative steps closer.

"What do you think you can possibly do for me?" he asked, some of the fire in his voice returning to the ice she was more familiar with. "How could a human's aid help me?"

It seemed as though her stomach dropped as his scorn for humans was directed towards her for the first time she could remember. Still, the moment the shock faded, she felt her hands clench at her sides. Yes, it was true – she was only a human, and what had she ever done to assist him? She had only ever been in his way, held him back from doing the things he needed to do. But all the same… she could try now. "Perhaps I cannot help you recover, or heal faster," she said in as even a tone as she could, trying to remind herself that his words were probably only an effect of what pain he felt, "but I _can_ help you be more comfortable!"

Although he looked momentarily surprised by this change in her demeanor, he turned from her abruptly, as though closing the discussion. "Unnecessary," he murmured while carefully lowering himself to his futon.

"Perhaps it isn't entirely necessary, but you don't have to hurt anymore than necessary. It… it won't make you any stronger, my lord," Rin replied softly, following him and sinking to her knees next to him.

"I told you to leave," he said at length, refusing to look at her.

"I want to help you," she said stubbornly. "Please."

With a barely concealed scoff, Sesshoumaru turned so that he was sitting sideways to her. When she hesitated momentarily, unsure of what she should do, he spoke up. "Go ahead. You were so anxious to _help_ a moment ago."

This spurred her on, and she carefully brought her hands to the collar of his clothes. Gently, she slipped her fingers under the fabric, sliding them down so that she could pull the clothing over his shoulder while studiously ignoring the shiver that wished to work its way up her spine at touching him.

She was so focused on her task that she did not notice the momentary widening of his eyes at her touch, the almost indiscernible tensing of his muscles beneath her fingers.

After working the tattered fabric loose, she pushed it from his left shoulder, feeling her stomach clench violently at the mangled flesh beneath. How could he have been wounded like this? It was unusual for him to be harmed during any of the battles he partook in, and even more rare that it was of a severity from which he could not recover after an hour or two. Never before had she seen him bleed so.

She must have stared longer than she knew, for he raised his hand to her shoulder, gently pushing her away. The anger from a few minutes ago seemed to have dissipated, replaced by a dull weariness. Looking up to his face, she found that there was something old about his eyes that she had not seen before. "I only need to rest," he said, voice once again even and distant. "You do not need to make yourself uncomfortable by staying here."

"I am not uncomfortable," she said with more conviction than she felt, daringly touching his hand. "Let me retrieve some supplies, and then I will return."

When he made no reply, Rin hurried back to her room and began rummaging through the various vials and containers stored in a back corner. Over time, as she proved to have a talent for growing all sorts of plants, some of the demonesses had requested that she plant certain herbs for them. In return, she asked for a small amount of the balms they made from these, and by now she had quite a collection.

Grabbing a small clay container, she ran back to Sesshoumaru's rooms, the cold air stinging her lungs as she tried to catch her breath. As she brushed her flyaway hair from her face, she took the towel and small bowl of water on the washbasin inside the door and then went to sit by him.

Wordlessly, she dipped the towel into the cold water and rang it out before washing the blood from his chest. She bit her lip as she tried to avoid the deep gashes that crossed the skin, afraid of hurting him further. When she finally finished, the wounds were still bleeding, and she felt her eyes prickle as she scooped some of the salve into her hand.

Rin could not hold back the tears as she pressed the salve into the wounds, dipping her head down to try to prevent him from seeing. Of course, she knew that would only work for a moment before he could smell the change in her scent.

"It was cruel for me to allow you to do this," he said softly, something in his tone making her raise her head. His eyes considered her carefully, stained with a sort of distant sadness. "I was not myself then. Do not stay because you said you would; I can care for myself."

Swallowing, she nodded, wiping away her tears before returning to her task. "I know you can, my lord."

"You have never been comfortable around blood."

"No, I have not."

There was a stretch of silence between them as she continued tending to his wounds in the darkness. "Then why do you do this?" he asked finally.

She paused, and then looked at him. "You do not know by now?" she wondered quietly, looking for understanding in his eyes. When he betrayed nothing, no word or flicker of emotion, she smiled sadly. "I would like to think that it's the same reason you care for me and always save me when I'm in danger."

He was silent, nearly pensive as she finished. By now, the bleeding had stopped, something that at least allowed the knot of fear in her stomach to relax. With the balm, it was likely that the wounds would be almost healed by morning. As she cleaned her mess, she watched him as he laid back on his futon, noticing the slight indication of his pain in the momentary narrowing of his eyes.

After replacing the bowl, she turned to him. "Is there anything else I could do for you, Lord Sesshoumaru?" she asked.

He shook his head, looking at her briefly. "No, Rin, I will be more than fine now."

----

She bowed her head before rising, and he noticed that her smile was sad as she left the room, footsteps measured and careful as she shut the screen behind her. For a moment, her shadow was painted on the screen hazily, and then it was gone.

Closing his eyes, Sesshoumaru tried to block the voice in the back of his mind that whispered that her shadow was just like her: something that was only there for a second before passing. He always knew that her life would be short, a brief spring of light in the span of his years. Her bright presence would wax for a time and then wane like the moon, and then she would be gone, nothing more than a memory.

But while he had made it a mantra, kept the words to maintain the veil of distance between them, he found that they did not bring relief. They pierced through his mind like ice, sharp and painful. It should have reminded him that she could do nothing substantial in her insignificant years, least of all cross the distance he drew from the world. They did remind him, but it only ached, because it did nothing but bring to mind the fact that one day she would be gone.

He had always said that her choices were her own, that she could do as she liked. It had never been hard to allow her to do so; in fact, it usually simplified things. It prevented him from having to meddle in her little human affairs, in the vivid emotions and confusing logic. Yet after seeing that young village boy approach her and hearing the words he said, Sesshoumaru had been livid. Rin would do no such thing as visit that peasant; in fact, she would never return to that village at all. She was _his_ – no other had the right to speak with her thus.

The rage had been instantly replaced by a coil of confusion, an emotion that was even more discomforting than the flame of passionate anger. She may be precious to him, something dear beyond everything else, but that did not make her a possession, something he owned. All her life she had been a free spirit, as comfortable in the wilds as he was. She would never be owned, even if she did marry.

Of course, that was where the greatest confusion came in, for it was the thought of her wanting to see that boy, and then the following idea that she might desire to marry and leave that made the strange emotion flare within him. Was it jealousy perhaps, or panic, or both? He did not want her to leave, especially to marry. He wanted her to stay with him.

But that did not make any sense. It had only been a few months since he had recognized that one day Rin would have to leave because he could not bring himself to provide the things he wanted her to have. How could she have a life like that if she stayed with him? For a time, those brief moments in the cave, he had hovered on offering himself, willing to break every truth he had believed for her sake. But it had faded, and there would be no changing that decision, no going back to dwell on painful possibilities beyond the grasp of obtainment.

So why did he still feel so desperate at the thought of her with somebody else?

Closing his eyes, Sesshoumaru thought of her earlier actions. She had dared to approach him even as his control had hovered, going so far as to disobey him in her quest to help. Already he could feel the flesh healing; no doubt by morning the wound would be completely gone. Her actions had been unnecessary, the risks she had challenged needless.

And yet… it had soothed him. He had been forced to restrain the wild energy for her sake, although it had taken time. He thought about what he had said to her, the cold words created from frustration and confusion and fueled by his pain. Yet all the same she had stayed by his side, gentle voice insistent on doing something as trivial as tending to his injuries.

Initially, he had only accepted maliciously, focusing his inner turmoil out upon her. It had seemed impossible at that time that she could be as innocent as she always appeared; she must have been aware of what he felt for her and was trying to draw him even further to her through his fear of losing her. When he had sensed her tears as she spread the salve over the wounds, however, he had returned to his senses. Rin was incapable of doing something so cruel; she truly was as innocent as she always acted.

Sesshoumaru pushed the thoughts away, scattered them from his consciousness. For the first time in a long while he felt weary, tired from both the physical and mental battles he had waged that day. There was no hope of solving all the issues he felt pressed around him because he could not pin down their direct cause; their resolution was completely out of his control. It was senseless to continue on this path. At present, the only thing he could do was rest.

----

While she had been able to fall asleep, Rin was constantly thrown back into wakefulness. Dreams, more than she had ever had before, drifted through her mind only to bend, light refracted into dark terrors only half perceived. She could not remember having such nightmares since she had been a young child.

The fifth time she gasped awake, bangs sticking to her sweat-slicked face, she decided that she had gone through enough. Every time she awoke, she found herself even more tired than when she had tried to sleep. If the cycle continued, she'd be utterly exhausted by morning.

Slowly she rose, walking to the small washbasin to splash some of the cold water on her flushed face. She sat still for a moment, letting the water drip from her nose and chin as she continued to catch her breath. Such frightening things had haunted her sleeping mind, so vivid that they had felt real. All the same, she could no longer recall what had upset her so, every attempt at snatching at the tattered memories proving useless.

After a moment, Rin came to a decision. She dried her face before grabbing a few layers of the kimono she had worn the night before. If she could not sleep, she would see her lord for a minute, to make sure that he was able to rest peacefully. Perhaps it would put her mind at ease knowing that he was comfortable.

After sloppily pulling the layers on over her nightclothes, not even bothering to tie an obi, she made her way through the silent complex. Everything was dark and quiet, the moon still in the winter sky; morning was clearly a few hours away yet.

She finally reached the screen, sliding it open slowly enough that it did not betray the slightest noise. For a moment she did not move, allowing her eyes to adjust to the darkness, before she walked into the deeper shadows on the far side of the room.

It did not take her long to find Lord Sesshoumaru, the fan of his hair spread across the futon catching what frail light was in the room. Rin stood next to him, pausing between her desire to stay and her polite sense to leave. It was just that it was so rare for her to see him sleep; she could probably count the times that such had happened on one hand. There was something strange about the peaceful expression on his face, the usual cold planes melted as he slept.

Slowly, she sank to the floor next to him, indulging her half-asleep mind. The angry gashes on his chest were now gone, not even the faint traces of scars left to mark where he had been wounded. Vaguely, she wondered if the salve had been any help or not before raising her gaze to his face. She took in every detail, trying to imprint them even deeper into her memory than they already were. He truly was beautiful, she thought with a faint sigh, her hand lifting from her lap and unconsciously stretching towards his face.

Somehow, she could not find the will to stop herself. Her hand descended, gently pressing into his bangs before carefully sweeping the hair back. As she allowed her fingers to momentarily brush against the crescent upon his forehead, she wondered why he had not yet woken; surely, her disgusting human scent had to be overpowering this close, no matter how well he appeared to be sleeping.

But if he was truly sleeping so deeply, Rin would allow herself one more thing before departing. She pulled her hair over one shoulder, holding it securely so that it would not brush his face as she leaned over him. Carefully, using the most delicate touch she could manage, she pressed her lips against his forehead, closing her eyes for that brief, beautiful instant. "No matter what happens between us, I will always love you," she breathed, fighting the inexplicit tears that wished to form in her eyes as she started to lean up. "Until the day I die, I will love only you."

It was then that she found a hand upon her back preventing her from moving.

For the first instant she remained motionless, frozen at the realization that he was awake, that he was aware of all that had happened. She felt her face flame scarlet before jerking, wishing to put distance between them. But his hand held her still, refusing to allow her to escape from her embarrassment.

Although she could sense that he wanted her to look at him, Rin refused to raise her eyes. The silence continued to spread, the gulf between them growing regardless of their proximity. "Rin," he said softly.

She felt all the held back words break loose. "I'm sorry, my lord!" she whispered urgently, finally looking up at him. "I was completely outside my bounds, there is no excuse for it! I had only meant to see if you had been able to sleep, but… oh, I am so sorry! Please forgive me; I will leave now!"

"Rin, be silent," Sesshoumaru said. Instantly, Rin became quiet, but realized that his tone had not been angry. In fact, under the calm, there had been a hint of… amusement?

Blinking, she studied his expression in the vain hope that something of his emotions would be visible. There was nothing of his thoughts betrayed upon his countenance, but there was something odd about the light in his eyes, something that made her heart both pound and clench.

It wasn't until she felt his fingers touch her face that she realized he was no longer holding her. Now, however, she found it impossible to move. His fingers trailed to her chin, gently tilting it down towards him so that he could look more directly into her eyes.

For once, Rin held his gaze evenly, unable to look away from the coolly burning gold. There was an intensity in his eyes, such focus pinned on her, that she did not think she could have moved if she had wanted to.

"You meant it, didn't you?" Sesshoumaru murmured, voice almost lost in the stillness of the room.

"Meant what?" she wondered.

His eyes followed the movement of his thumb as it swept upward, lightly touching her lips. "That you love me."

Rin almost missed his words, distracted by the gentle caress. When she realized what he had said, she could not tell if she should confirm her earlier words or deny them, if he approved of her feeling that way or not. Judging by the tenderness of his actions, she dared to be truthful on this sensitive subject. "Yes, my lord, I meant it."

"You shouldn't," he said quietly, his eyes returning to hers as she pulled back, stung by his words. It had been a mistake; she should have known that he would not accept her feelings. Had he not made it perfectly clear that he would not reciprocate such sentiments?

Before she could stand, however, she found herself being pulled to his chest as he sat up, his arm drawing around her possessively. She felt frozen in her shock, overwhelmed by the sudden contact.

"I do not deserve to have your love," Sesshoumaru said finally, laying his head against hers. "These past months I have been cruel to you because of my uncertainty, my inability to decide what I wanted. I thought that I was the only one who was tormented." He leaned back, unmistakable regret in his eyes. "I did not even think of you, the one I cared for, and as a result I have hurt you."

For a long moment, Rin could not think of any way to respond to such a blatant confession. She could never remember him speaking in such a manner before. "It is alright, my lord," she said slowly. "If I gave you the impression that I was hurt, I am sorry…"

"No," he said sharply. "Do not apologize. I am the only one who should be doing so."

Frowning slightly, Rin dared to move enough to raise a hand to his forehead. "My lord, are you sure you should not rest more?" she could not help but wonder, unable to think of any explanation for his strange behavior besides an after effect of his injuries.

With a smile so brief that it might have been mistaken as a trick of the light, he shook his head. "I am fine, Rin." He released her so that he could take her hand as she lifted it from his forehead, holding it gently for a moment before bringing it to his chest. She tried to focus on the rhythm of his heart beneath her fingers instead of the intimacy of the touch. "You asked me what I felt for you, back in the cave. At that time I was too cowardly to accept my feelings; I thought that it would be better to deny them and remain unhappy rather than accept them and face the consequences. But I have an answer now."

Everything seemed to buzz around her as he spoke, half dream-like. He could not really be saying these things to her, could he? She had imagined what it would be like for so long that it seemed impossible that they could exist beyond the realm of her fantasies. If it wasn't for the warmth of his skin beneath her fingers and the steady beating of his heart, she would have discredited everything.

He now brushed the bangs from her face, softly kissing her forehead just as she had done only minutes before. "I love you. That is what I feel."

In that moment it seemed as though the world spun, everything becoming too bright, too warm, too vivid. Rin released a shaky breath that she had involuntarily held, feeling completely lightheaded. "My lord, I –" she began, although she could not form what she wished to say before he spoke.

"My name," he said, now pressing a kiss to her temple. "Just my name."

"Sesshoumaru…" she tried before becoming too distracted by the faint smile that crossed his lips. Although it took a moment, Rin was able to gather her thoughts. "I don't know how… how can you love me?"

He shrugged gracefully, a gesture so strangely casual for him. "I do not know; I just realize that I could not be with any other."

For a moment, a shadow fell over Rin's thoughts. "But…" She paused momentarily, feeling awkward for the things she needed to say and painfully aware of the blush spreading across her cheeks. "You said that I would never be your mistress…"

The second before she heard the deep tone of his laughter seemed to drag on forever. As soon as the rare sound reached her ears, she felt herself relax, even if her blush did deepen. "I do not want you as my mistress," Sesshoumaru finally said, looking at her seriously. "I want you as my wife."

She opened her mouth to speak, but no words would come. She felt completely overwhelmed with both shock and joy. Truly, it could not be real now. He could not really mean to make her his wife…

But his eyes were so soft and sincere as he looked at her, emotions so plainly displayed. Rin could only think of a few occasions where he had revealed anything of his emotions, when she could catch faint glimpses of what lay behind his impassive exterior. It seemed so strange, seeing him like this, but she had always known that he was capable of such warmth, even if she had never believed that she would see it.

"Of course," Sesshoumaru said quietly as she still attempted to absorb everything, "if you do not wish that–"

She did not let him finish before wrapping her arms around him, holding him as closely as she could. "I will be your wife," she managed to say, caught somewhere between tears and laughter.

She felt him smile into her hair before he leaned back onto the futon, pulling her along so that she was next to him. He adjusted his hold when she shifted, allowing her to rest her head against his chest. "I hoped, you know," she whispered, almost afraid that speaking any louder would ruin the dream-like quality of everything that was happening. "Even though I told myself not to, I wished that you would love me."

"I know," he replied, running his fingers through her unbound hair. "I always have; it was merely a matter of accepting it."

Rin nodded before abruptly lifting her head. "But… your subjects, won't they be disappointed?" she wondered, suddenly remembering the world outside her happiness.

"I'm sure they will be," Sesshoumaru agreed, "but I have told you before that what they think does not matter to me."

"So much will change, won't it?"

For a long time he was silent before touching her cheek, an unvoiced request for her to look at him. When she obliged, she instantly became lost in his eyes, even more piercing so close. "Things will change, just like the seasons," he agreed. "But, there will always be one constant you can hold onto."

"What is that?" she asked.

His hand gently brushed down to her throat before slowly pressing back into her hair. Still looking into his eyes, she read his reply. _My love_. _That will remain_.

Smiling more brightly than she could ever remember, Rin laid her head against his chest again. In the stillness, she could hear the steady beating of his heart, unwavering and unchanging. It seemed to her then, as they waited together for the first brushes of morning to sweep the sky, that there was nothing quite so true as the sound of his pulse, the constant beating resonating in her mind.


	4. Spring

Okay, here's the last chapter! It does function primarily as an epilogue more than anything else, but I hope it's enjoyable nonetheless. Thank you to everybody for your patience and reviews; I truly do appreciate both.

* * *

The sun glinted off the ripples on the pond as Rin casually touched the surface. The water was cool upon her fingertips, as was the smooth stone beneath her feet. While the air was not hot, there the heaviness to it that whispered of the summer that was soon to come, and the stone felt good.

As she stared idly at the pond, she wondered when Sesshoumaru would return. It had already been two weeks that he had been gone, patrolling his vast lands, and she found that each day was becoming harder to bear than the last. While there had been many occasions in the past when he had been gone for much longer, back then there had been distance between them even when they were near; with that space she could not cross, he had seemed as distant when he was with her as when he was gone. Now, with no barriers to separate them, she felt any separation vividly.

Watching the koi avoid the disturbance of her fingers, Rin thought back on the last few months, the fuzzy rush of activity, and smiled wryly. While there were no words to describe her happiness at becoming his wife, it had come with the unconsidered string of being the Lady of the Western Lands. It had seemed as though within hours of the announcements, the responsibilities demanded of her in regards to decorum increased tenfold.

But Sesshoumaru had never demanded such things from her. He had never told her to change her behavior or opinions to conform to the expectations of the court. If anything, he had forbidden her to do such a thing, procuring her word that she would not alter who she was because of what the people thought she should be.

Although she had hardly been able to remove the smile from her face, Rin was well aware that her happiness was shared by a select few. The people might recognize her as the Lady they had to serve, but that did not mean she was accepted. And while the atmosphere inside the palace complex was cool, it was frigid outside.

Sighing, Rin recognized this as the reason why Sesshoumaru had left to patrol, although he would never say as much to her. As ever, he tried to protect her, now by attempting to insulate her from the rebellions he had to quell on account of taking her as his wife.

But she knew all the same. Having reasoned with herself for years about why she could never hope to be any more than his ward, she had considered the strains that their present relationship would cause. They would be scorned by both humans and demons, detached from the world in which they lived. There would be those who challenged him for accepting and returning the love of something as weak as her. Of course he would have to leave to patrol his lands; otherwise, they would fall apart.

If the present conditions irritated him, he never allowed it to show around her. Even though so much had changed and shifted, his love had been as constant as he had promised it would be. In the presence of his subjects, he might remain aloof and remote, but the moment that it was just the two of them, all of the cold edges of his personality softened. While he might not have spoken of his love often, he now allowed the emotion to show plainly in his eyes, and she could always see it.

One of the pale blooms on the sakura tree fluttered onto the mirror of the pond, light touch upon the surface creating frail ripples. In the broken image, Rin suddenly realized how late it had become; soon she would no doubt have to attend dinner, and she had not yet changed into her more formal kimono.

She rose, turning to her rooms, but instantly stopped in surprise. In the shade of one of the heavily blooming trees stood Sesshoumaru, the light breeze tossing petals down onto his hair and pelt.

Smile instantly lighting her face, she ran across the distance to him. Minding his armor, she wrapped her arms around his neck, smiling into the collar of his kimono as she held him as closely as she could. In turn, she felt his arm slide around her waist, embracing her wordlessly.

Lifting her head after a moment, she shifted her arms, allowing her to pick the petals from his hair. It was not long before her hand made its way to his face, gently touching his cheek. "I have missed you," she whispered.

His eyes closed briefly at her touch. "I was only gone for two weeks," he said, eyes slowly opening again to consider her, the subtle light of amusement in the bright gold.

"It felt like an eternity," Rin said seriously.

The hand upon her back pulled her closer. "It did," he agreed quietly.

Rin quickly forgot that she had intended to prepare for dinner, instead quite willing to remain in his embrace as long as he provided it. Presently, however, he leaned back and surveyed her. There was a hint of scrutiny in his gaze, his brow furrowing slightly. "You are well?" he eventually asked.

"Now that you are back, I am," she replied, laughing with her joy that he had returned. She was unfazed by the seriousness of his expression. "Please, tell me about your time away. Did you find the condition of the lands to be satisfactory?"

Although his gaze remained skeptical for a moment longer, it finally softened. "Let us have dinner first," he said, gracing her with the shadow of a smile. "Then you may ask your questions."

----

Sesshoumaru had kept his word; upon finishing their meal, they had returned to the gardens. Having made his appearance to allow everybody to badger him with problems and news that had arisen while he had been away, he could assume with a fair amount of certainty that the rest of his night would be uninterrupted.

Rin had shown him where the seeds she had planted earlier were now nearly to bloom, some of the flowers daring to open their petals. She also made sure to point out the growth of her herbs; they were in an area of the garden he had cleared to allow more room for her plants. Listening to her chatter so happily about the new growth, something so simple, made him smile faintly. She was full of such joy at the simplest of things that, at times, he would find himself drawn into her experience from the sheer force of her emotions.

After walking through the portion of the garden that she tended, they returned to his rooms, sitting on the boardwalk in the dying evening light. She sat so that she could meet his eyes as she asked her questions, which he answered as directly as he felt comfortable doing. While he knew that she was worried and more than likely aware of the true motivation he had for patrolled his lands, there was no reason for her to know every detail. He did not want her to dwell on things that were outside of her control.

By the time he finished, the sun was quickly sinking, turning the airy pink of the cherry blossoms to deep fuchsia. Rin had changed her position so that she was curled at his side, head tucked beneath his chin. For a while she told him the few things she had done while he had been away before she grew quiet. Her fingers traced the patterns on his kimono before eventually growing still, her arm slowly falling to lie across his lap as she drifted to sleep.

Sesshoumaru listened to steady rhythm of her breathing. Carefully he removed his hand from her waist, lifting it to gently brush the bangs from her forehead so that he could see her face. He looked at the dark line of her long lashes upon her cheeks, at her lips parted slightly in sleep.

He breathed deeply, taking in her scent, and wondered when she would tell him that she was with child.

As he softly ran his fingers through her hair, he reminded himself that Rin did not have the senses he did. Perhaps she did not even know. When he had returned, he had smelled the faint difference in her scent, something familiar but strange. It had not been until halfway through their meal that he realized what it meant.

A child. They had spoken of it once before, but looking back, it had been so abstract. For so long he had seen his life as a continuing path of conquest, a road stretching through a landscape of war and destruction. Being a father had never even been a consideration then.

So much was different. Back in his youth, caring for somebody would have seemed ridiculous, and a human would have been disgraceful. For years he had cursed Inuyasha for his mixed heritage, and now… now he was to have a child who was the same.

But Sesshoumaru found that he did not care. He merely felt a steady wash of emotion, fluxing between happiness and apprehension, at the knowledge that Rin was carrying his heir. Suddenly, it seemed impossible not to view her as something even more fragile than he was prone to believe already.

As the evening deepened, he thought of all the things that would need to be prepared. His thoughts stopped as Rin shifted, cuddling closer to him as the coolness of the shadows settled over them. Smiling softly at the sleeping woman, he slowed the rapid pace of his considerations. There was still time.

So for now he just enjoyed the present, her warmth where she was pressed next to him. What was, was, and the future could only be dealt with when it drew close. All he could do now was continue to protect her as he always had, do what he could to make sure she was content.

A cool breeze brushed them, making Rin shiver. This time she awoke, blinking sleepily before looking up at him. Upon meeting his eyes, she gave him a crooked smile. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sure it was rather boring serving as a cushion."

Running his fingers along the curve of her neck, Sesshoumaru shook his head. "I did not mind. There is much to think of."

"Yes?" she wondered, shifting so that she could look at him more directly.

"Are you happy, Rin?" he asked, considering her intensely. "Even with the things the people say, and the fact that I must leave at times, are you still happy that you chose this life?"

She scanned his face, eyes soft in the darkness. "I have what I have always wished for." With a gentle hand, she cupped his cheek. "Being with you has brought me more happiness than I could have dreamed of."

Sesshoumaru leaned down, kissing her. The sensation would never lose its novelty, the odd way it stirred an uncontrollable flurry of emotions within him. He wondered that he had ever been able to resist the touch of her lips; it was now an indulgence he doubted he could deny himself.

"Besides," Rin began, smiling when the kiss eventually broke, "I do not care what the people have to say of me, remember?"

"People can change," he pointed out.

"Yes," she agreed quietly as she again leaned against him. "Isn't it wonderful?"

Sesshoumaru caught the meaning of the statement. While he did not reply, he recognized the truth of her words, wondering what things would be like if on that winter morning he had not allowed himself the one thing he had come to desire above all else. There would be no joy, a strange, light feeling to which he was still attempting to become accustomed.

Yes, people could change like everything else, morph and shift as the seasons did. The cold austerity of winter eventually thawed when spring arrived; the warmth of the sun melted the snow, allowed life to stir where there had been ice. If such changes could be brought to the earth, to something that existed long before him and would continue long after his death, it was not so strange that one mortal girl could touch his heart.

As he looked up into the sky, at the stars they had watched together on so many nights, Sesshoumaru held Rin a bit closer, feeling her hand tighten into the fabric of his kimono in response.


End file.
